


Forever & Always

by laughingalligator



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Supernatural, Angst and Porn, Bipolar Disorder, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Plot, References to Drugs, References to Homophobia, References to Suicide, Schizophrenia, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Social Anxiety, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2017-12-14 02:19:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughingalligator/pseuds/laughingalligator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is a 21 year old college dropout who is sent to a mental health facility after a violent outburst lead to a bipolar diagnosis. There he meets Castiel, a suicidal loner who also happens to be Dean's roommate. Fluff, smut, angst, and Girl, Interrupted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

" _Bipolar?_ " He spat the word with utter confusion and disbelief. Of course, Dean Winchester has heard this word before. One of his uncles was bipolar. Was it Uncle Bobby? Or maybe it was an aunt... on his mom's side, maybe?

"Dean! Listen to me!" Dean's father, John Winchester, stopped pacing to face Dean in an attempt to get him to refocus. John was looking more than somewhat frustrated, and hell, concerned for Dean. John sighed, sitting next to his twenty-one year old son. "They're sending you to Riverside."

"Sounds nice." Dean spoke with his trademark smirk.

"God damnit, this isn't a fucking vacation, Dean!" John's voice grew as he spoke. "Do you understand what's happening here? You could be in prison right now, instead, you're getting the help you need." He ran his hands over his face, hunched over in his chair. "Riverside is a mental...health facility, about 20 miles north. You're going to be there for a while. Maybe a year. Less if you're behavior improve. Dramatically."

Dean shot up from his own chair, his eyes darting around frantically. "You... you've gotta be friggin kidding me. I got a little drunk on my twenty first and smashed a guy's head in a few times. That earns me a year in a fucking looney bin?" When he didn't get a response, he lowered his voice and his expression softened. "Please..."

When John didn't meet Dean's gaze, Dean let out a defeated sigh as he sat back down. He hunched over, his pose matching his father's, hands running through his short hair. Shit. This was not the intended result of his 21st birthday. It was supposed to be drinks, ladies, and good times. Not broken glass, bloody fists, and blacking out. He'd gone out to a bar with one of his only friends, Adam, and Adam's girlfriend, Jo. Some guy started something with Jo and decked Adam right in the face. What was he supposed to do? Just stand there and let his friends get hurt?

"Dad... I snapped, I know. But I've been doing fine. Better. I don't need to go to some hospital. Shit, Dad, come on." Any argument, even a poor one, would have to suffice at this point. There was no way Dean was going. Nuh-uh.

"The only reason you've been doing better is because you left college. You spend all your time in that garage with your car. And even if I bought what you were selling, it's not up to me. You're lucky, to be honest with you. The guy you... he was barely alive when they brought him in, Dean." Dean shot a look to his dad, wanting to retort. But what the hell could he possibly say? _Great, my own dad thinks I'm a friggin psycho._

John patted his son on the shoulder before standing up and leaving Dean in the white room alone.

All Dean could do now was wait, for whatever it was that was coming.

 

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

"Now if you need anything, anything at all, just say, okay?" The orderly pointed to her name tag before walking out of...well, Dean's room for the next year, apparently. _Ellen_. He didn't bother flashing her a fake smile and watched her disappear. 

Dean groaned and fell back against his new bed, turning his head to face the empty bed across from him. He even had to share a room with some freak. He rested his forearms on his forehead, practically whining. _How the fuck did I get here?_

He sat back up and leaned for his suitcase, unpacking a few things. A picture of him and his little brother, Sam. His clothes. A few books. His notebook. He scoffed, shaking his head. Being here would surely just make him even crazier. Not that he was crazy. At all. But he'd die of boredom within the first month. Without a doubt.

He stood up and left the room, deciding to take a walk around the place. He walked slower as he passed a few rooms with open doors, his curiosity about who else was in this place striking him. _Guess I should consider myself lucky. Haven't seen any straitjackets yet._ He kept walking until he reached the common room Ellen had shown him on the mini tour she took him on. There were more patients...er, people there than when he'd passed the area earlier. There was a petite looking girl with wild, shaggy blonde hair knitting in front of the too quiet television. A dark haired girl sitting next to her, who looked like she was sleeping with her eyes open. He felt awkward standing there. Should he introduce himself? _Maybe it's not such a good idea to make friends with a bunch of crazies..._

"You keep coming back here _because_ you don't take them. You need to take them, Castiel." Dean turned his attention to a nurse and patient that were arguing across the room.

"These make me so tired. I'm already exhausted enough." The patient's voice was low, almost too low. Dean couldn't see the patient's face, since his back was turned to him. He could only see the redheaded nurse's frustrated yet calmed expression.

"Dean." A man stepped right in front of his vision of the two, the man's eyes piercing Dean and taking him by surprise. "Uh y-yeah?" Dean tried to look past the guy but the nurse and patient were magically gone.

"Crowley." He held his hand out for Dean to shake. "Doctor, but you can just call me Crowley. I apologize for the late introduction, I had an emergency to attend to this morning. I'll be your therapist for the duration of your stay."

Dean surveyed him, looking him up and down. Crowley seemed...untrustworthy. Maybe it was just Dean hating doctors. Clearly, he'd have to get over it. "I uh... yeah nice to meet you." _Not really, douche bag._ Dean forced a small smile and attempted to walk away. 

"Just a moment now, your first appointment with me is in an hour. Don't go anywhere." Dean knitted his eyebrows together as he watched Crowley walk away. Was that some supposed to be a joke? He scoffed and decided he'd had enough exploring for now, heading back towards his room. 

As he approached the hall, he saw the redheaded nurse he was watching before Crowley interrupted walking out of his room. She flashed him a phony smile, which he didn't bother to pretend to return. He walked in to find some guy who looked to be around his age, but smaller, sitting on the bed opposite his. His hair was dark brown, nearly black, sticking up in all sorts of directions. His head was facing down towards his lap.

Dean considered his options. Say hi? Walk back out? Ignore him?

"Hello, Dean." The gravelly voice from earlier spoke as its owner lifted his head to meet Dean's gaze. His eyes were a piercing, deep blue. They were as intimidating as his voice. "I'm Castiel, and you must be my new roommate." Castiel's lips were pulled in the smallest of smiles. Dean could have just been imagining it was there.

"Yeah. I'm Dean. Well, you knew that." _Smooth, you friggin moron_. He made his way over to his own bed, sitting down on the edge. Castiel wasn't facing him, so he took the opportunity to take in the other man's appearance further. When he saw Castiel before, he was wearing white scrubs like the orderlies did, but now he had on a too big trench coat over them. Definitely a freak. "I thought they let you wear your own clothes here? You know, minus belts." Castiel smirked and looked down at himself, then to Dean, meeting his green eyes. "I think this suits me just fine."

Dean suddenly felt like an asshole for that comment, but hell, he was just trying to make conversation. What are you supposed to talk about in a place like this? This wasn't some ordinary roommate like the one he briefly had at college.

"I assume you've been shown around?" Castiel asked.

"Yeah, by Allison... or Ellen. Something like that." Dean swallowed uncomfortably.

"Have you been to the courtyard?" Castiel was stroking his long fingers as he spoke. It was a strange gesture but it made Dean feel less awkward. 

"I haven't gone out in it, she showed me where it was." Dean couldn't take his eyes off of his roommate. He almost looked like a ghost. If Dean looked away, Castiel would be gone. Just like earlier.

"As long as there's someone to supervise, we can go anytime we want." Castiel spoke as if it were exciting. And yet at the same time, he sounded so disinterested in his own words.

Dean stood from his bed, heading towards the door but turning to Castiel before he reached it. "Well I got a little bit of time to kill," he shrugged, "You comin' Cas?"

Castiel looked up at Dean, his head slightly tilted to the side. "Cas?"

Dean smirked and shrugged again. "Yeah. Cas."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean hates Crowley, gets a new friend, and finds out something awfully sad about Cas.

Dean sat slouched in his hair, jaw clenched, rolling his eyes for the millionth time as Crowley spoke. Jesus, he just went on and on and on. He glanced at the clock. Only 10 more minutes of this torture. He would rather be in the courtyard with Cas still. Sure, he was probably a nutcase like everyone else in this place, but he seemed nice enough and hell, it was better than sitting across from this smart ass Crowley guy.  
  
It was a mutual semi-awkward silence, hanging out with Cas. But still, the brief time spent with him in the courtyard wasn't so bad. Dean had tried on multiple occasions to open his mouth and say something. Ask Cas about himself, make some stupid comment about the weather.  _Something._  But every time he tried, Cas seemed to sense it and would look at him with those intimidating eyes and sure enough Dean would just close his mouth and look at the ground.  
  
"You'll start taking them tomorrow." Crowley's voice interrupted Dean's memory.   
  
"Wait, what?" Dean sat up in his chair, snapping his eyes up to meet Crowley's.  
  
Crowley smirked. "The pills I just spent a good few minutes informing you of." Crowley looked down at the papers in front of him and slid them into Dean's folder before returning his gaze.  
  
"I don't need pills. Sure you're a doctor but with all due respect, you don't know me like I know me and I don't need any friggin pills." Dean tried to play it cool, holding a friendly face while he spoke.   
  
Crowley looked at him with understanding, like he was expecting that exact reaction from Dean. "With all due respect, Mr. Winchester, I think you do. It says here you were intoxicated the night of the assault. But not heavily intoxicated." He waved the folder briefly to prove a point. "I'm assuming you are intoxicated a great deal of the time. Never overboard, but just enough to numb what you don't want to feel. Am I going in the right direction?"  
  
Dean bit his lip, trying to refrain from snapping.  _Who the hell does this bullshit doctor think he is?_   He looked down at his hands, which were now clasped together in front of him.  
  
"That's what I thought." Crowley's expression softened, but even in that state he still looked smug.  _Does his face always look like that?_  "You were self medicating. Your form of medication won't be available to you here. We're giving you the proper treatment."   
  
"Okay, but I don't ne-"  
  
"We're out of time, Dean." Crowley held up a hand, cutting Dean off. "I know it's scary, but it will work better for you in the long run. Remember why you're here."  
  
Dean clenched his jaw so hard it hurt. "I'm not scared of some stupid pills."  
  
Crowley smiled. "Then you should have no problem taking them. I'll see you tomorrow morning. My door is open if you need anything urgently." He held out a hand, gesturing towards the door. Dean glared at Crowley before storming out, slamming the door on the way.  
  
\---------------------------  
  
Dean grumbled to himself as he walked down the hall, passing the common room on the way and coming to a stop. The same girls he saw earlier were there, in the exact same positions. It was kind of creepy, actually. They weren't even talking to each other.  
  
"You're Dean, right?" Dean turned around. The voice came from a nice looking redhead. She was wearing a long sleeve t-shirt with comic book characters on it and pajama pants. Her bright red hair looked pretty uncombed, but still shiny. She was cute. Very cute.  
  
"I'm Charlie." She shot her hand out for Dean to take before he even answered. Her eyes were bright and eager.  
  
Dean took her hand in his and gave it a gentle shake, a small smile gracing his lips. "Charlie. And yeah, I'm Dean." He almost asked how she knew that, but figured she was just told by a nurse or something.  
  
"I was just about to go to the art room, wanna come?" Dean was slightly taken back by her offer. He could be completely deranged, for all she knew. For all he knew,  _she_  could be completely deranged. "Uh..." He could already tell he wasn't going to have a choice in the matter when Charlie's eyes started to droop. "Sure. Lead the way." He gestured down the hall and watched as Charlie turned around excitedly and started walking toward's the art room.   
  
Dean walked alongside her, feeling less uneasy than he had when he left Crowley's office.   
  
"I come here all the time." Charlie looked up at him and smiled, then held her arms out in a gesture once they reached the room. "Après vous!"   
  
Dean looked at her with a dumb expression. "Come again?"   
  
Charlie scoffed, rolling her eyes. "After you? French, hello?" She walked into the room ahead of him, and Dean trailed in after her.  
  
\---------------------------  
  
Castiel sat perched on his bed, his journal in his lap. It's been only a few hours since he met Dean. He already had seven new poems written.  
  
\---------------------------  
  
"And then I told her that she should just make a move. But then she told me that was a crazy thing to do and I was like, well, this is the best place to be to do something crazy!" Charlie laughed to herself and snuck a glance to Dean as she grabbed a different colored pencil.  
  
"These are the same girls who were sitting next to each other, not saying a word to each other?" Dean looked at Charlie as she drew, his own sheet of paper remaining untouched.  
  
"That's just how Meg and Ruby are." Charlie bit her lip, stopping her sketch to look at Dean again. "They don't need to even say anything to each other half the time." Dean shrugged, even though his curiosity was still brewing. Apparently, Charlie could sense that, so she kept going.  
  
"They've been here a while together. The only person I know that's been here longer is Castiel."  
  
Dean perched up in his seat a little. "Cas? My roommate?"  
  
"Oh, yeah!" Charlie smiled. "I guess you are his new roommate. That's...good." She nodded and tried to return to her sketch.  
  
"Good?" For some reason, Dean thought that maybe he could get some info about Cas from Charlie. Shouldn't he know a thing or two about the person he's going to be sharing a room with?  
  
"He's always alone. And he always looks...so sad. But he's super nice. So nice." Charlie sighed. "Aren't you gonna draw something?" Charlie pointed at Dean's blank piece of paper with her pencil.  
  
"I'm not good at it. I don't even know what I'd draw." Dean pushed the piece of paper away from him.  
  
"It's not like you're being graded." Charlie mocked, pushing the paper back towards him.  
  
"Hey, what's wrong with your arm?" Dean noticed a few lines marking her wrist.  
  
Charlie's smile vanished painfully slow. "Oh, it's..." She adjusted her sleeve so her wrist was covered once again.  
  
Dean held up his hands, a look of apology in his face. "I shouldn't have asked, sorry."  
  
Charlie's smile returned, but this one had a different effect on Dean. "It's okay." Shrugged, resuming her drawing. "It's just the reason I'm here, that's all." There was an awkward silence between the too.  _Nice going, jackass_. Dean picked up a pencil, looking at the paper in front of him again. Maybe if he drew something he could cheer Charlie back up. It wouldn't be any good, but it would be something.  
  
\------------------------  
  
When Dean returned to his room, Cas wasn't there. There was only a small brown book, a journal maybe, where Cas would be sitting. Dean picked up his suitcase, unpacking the rest of his things, but he kept catching himself glancing at it.  _Don't even think about it._  His curiosity got the better of him and he walked towards Cas' bed.  
  
"Hello, Dean." Cas was standing in the doorway, thankfully unaware of Dean's intention.  
  
"I uh, hey, Cas." Dean stood in between the two beds awkwardly, trying to casually make his way back to his own.  
  
"How did your appointment go?" Cas asked as he walked towards his bed and picked up his journal, setting it on the small desk beside his bed.  
  
"About as bad as I expected." Dean sighed, sitting down. "No offense Cas, but I don't belong here, with all of you. They're wrong about me. I'm not bipolar, I don't need these stupid meds. I get a little... I just overreact sometimes and I don't know, I'm not the happiest guy in the world, but..." He shook his head, running a hand through his short hair. "Sorry. I don't know why I said all of that."  
  
"There's no need for an apology, Dean."  
  
Dean looked up at him. He looked sincere enough. "Well, thanks, Cas."  
  
"You're welcome." Cas' smile was warm. He didn't look all that sad. At least right now. Charlie made him out to be downright miserable.   
  
Dean returned a small smile, but he averted his gaze when he felt his face getting hot. Why it was, Dean didn't know. "Hey, Cas... how long have you been here?"   
  
Cas' smile faded, but he didn't look upset at the question either. "This is my fifth... I guess you could say 'round'."   
  
Dean raised his eyebrows, his mouth opening up in a silent "wow". "How come? I mean, if you don't mind tellin' me."   
  
Cas shrugged, so slightly Dean almost missed it. "I suppose I just can't get it right. I keep trying, but it never works. And then, I end up here." Cas looked around the room as if he were seeing it all for the first time again before sitting down.  
  
"What can't you get right?" Dean had a strong urge to get up and look at Cas more closely, as if Cas' eyes would tell Dean more than his words would. But he refrained, and instead waited for Cas to look at him again.  
  
He got his wish when Cas turned to look at him again, his eyes impossibly sad. The sad Charlie must have been talking about.  
  
"Killing myself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended it here because I felt like there was a lot going on... which is silly because it's not even that long. Bah, whatever. Enjoy! x)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lies and revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all your kind comments and love! it encourages me to write faster! (ignore the notes at the bottom of the chapter, they're the notes from my first chapter and i have no idea why they're posting for this one... O.o)

It was the furthest thing from easy.  
  
And it had only been a month.  
  
But at least now, there was some sort of routine. Not that Dean liked routine. In fact, he loathed it most of the time. But here at Riverside, routine meant quiet. No surprises. Within the first week Dean felt as if he was getting hit with one thing after another. Pills, therapy, group therapy, group activities, treatment planning, sickening cafeteria food, the countless things Dean had to get used to nearly made him snap during the first week.   
  
Although, as shocked as he was to think it, Dean had a few new friends that made all of the adjusting easier.  
  
Charlie had introduced him to Meg, Ruby, and Chuck. Meg had (obviously bleached) blonde hair, and a cute face. Ruby was very clean and pretty. Her and Meg seemed to cling to one another for dear life. Chuck was... Chuck. He said far more strange things than normal. And he talked way, way too much. But Dean knew it was better to try and accept these people as his friends than it was to tell them all to piss off and leave him alone. He didn't want to have to watch his back. They all seemed to be way more screwed up than he was.   
  
They certainly weren't the only loonies around this place, but they were the ones Dean mysteriously trusted.  
  
Then there was Castiel.  
  
Castiel, Cas, was different from all of them. Different from Dean. They'd only known each other a short time, but Dean still felt like Cas knew him better than he knew himself. Those piercing blue eyes tore Dean apart and figured him out the minute they saw him.   
  
Cas would sit on his bed and listen to Dean complain after every appointment with Crowley. He'd listen to Dean bitch and moan about having to take his pills. The great thing about it was that Cas never felt the need to convince Dean of anything or change his mind. Cas just listened.  
  
Dean would listen too. Like the night Cas locked himself in the closet in the art room and was brought back to their room, shaking and silent. It had really freaked Dean out. It's not like he was trained in dealing with someone like Cas. But he tried. Dean stayed up for hours listening to him release his pain. But Dean never really knew _why_  Cas was so upset that night. Cas never said why. He only said that it hurt.  
  
\------------------------------  
  
"Dude, you're  _horrible_  at this." Dean tried not to laugh as he looked at Cas over the cards in his hands. They sat across from each other on Dean's bed, playing cards in a sad attempt at winding down after an hour of group therapy.  
  
"There are too many rules. And I still fail to see why the game is called..."  
  
"Shithead." Dean supplied with extra enthusiasm.  
  
"Yes." Cas rolled his eyes and set his cards down in defeat.  
  
Dean set his own cards down, forgetting about the game. "So card games aren't your thing. Fair enough." He collected Cas' cards and put the deck back together. Before he put the cards back in their box, he got an idea. His lips pulled in a small smirk and he met Cas' eyes. "I think I might know a card game you'd be really good at. Fifty-two pickup."  
  
Cas looked genuinely perplexed. "I've never heard of such a thing. I don't think any card games would be my strong sui-" Cas jumped, clearly startled and looked at Dean with confusion as Dean tossed the cards high in the air, letting them flutter down around them. "Now pick 'em up. Fifty-two pickup."  
  
If Dean didn't know Cas, he would have taken the look of pure irritation on Cas' face seriously. "Was that supposed to be funny?" Cas asked with an irritated glance as he sat up from the bed and got on the floor to start picking up the cards.  
  
"Nothing funny about throwing cards in the air. But watching you pout..." Cas shot his head up and gave Dean another glare at those words. "It's hilarious." Dean finished. He got up to help Cas finish picking up the cards, chuckling as he watched Cas' hard expression slip into an amused smile. Pulling a corny, ancient card joke was worth getting a smile out of Cas.  
  
Dean picked up the last of the cards and stood up, along with Cas. They stood only a few inches from each other. Cas rubbed the back of his neck and took a few steps back before retreating to his side of the room to grab his journal.  
  
"Hey, Cas?" Dean watched Cas as he sat cross legged on his bed, his pen already pressing down on fresh paper.  
  
"Yes, Dean?" Cas looked at him, his pen frozen in place.  
  
"What do you write about?" Dean sat down, his eyes never leaving Cas.  
  
"I... usually just write about... therapy related things. Nothing too interesting, really." Cas flicked his gaze back to his journal.  
  
Dean scoffed. "Really?"  _Not buying it, not buying it..._  
  
"Yes." Cas' voice was firm and certain. Certain, if he wasn't lying.  
  
"Oh, yeah, sure." Dean spoke with a tone that gave away his disbelief, and he knew it. But he'd let it go if it meant not upsetting Cas.  
  
"It's like... asking someone what they think about, Dean." Cas ran his fingers along the edges of each page, refusing to look at Dean.  
  
Dean shrugged, crossing his arms as he leaned against the wall on his side of the room. "My family I guess. Things I've lost. And my baby, of course."  
  
Cas' eyes widened. "You... have a child?"  
  
Dean titled his head down in a laugh, shaking his head. "Nah. My baby is my car. A real beauty." He cleared his throat. "I think about my little brother, Sam. I haven't let him visit yet. Don't want him to see. I just hope he won't end up like his older brother..."  _Don't go there, Winchester. No sappy shit._  "Oh, and women. Definitely women too."  _And men (sometimes) but I'm not saying a friggin thing about that._  The last thing Dean wanted was for Cas to think he was crushing on him or something. Because he wasn't. At all.  
  
"See? Being honest isn't all that scary, man."  
  
"No." Cas got up and placed his journal in one of his drawers before looking to Dean again. He met Dean's eyes, the eyes he wrote about. "It's terrifying."  
  
\------------------------------  
  
"Bleak, isn't it?" Meg leaned to mumble in Dean's ear as the two (plus Ruby, of course) sat next to each other in the cafeteria. She pointed at Cas with her spork. Cas never ate with anyone. Instead, Cas would come to the cafeteria, refusing to look at anyone and grab something small to take back to their room. Today was no exception. Dean wasn't sure why he was allowed to do that.  
  
"To each his own, right?" Dean shrugged, taking a bite of his  _oh_  so appetizing salad.  
  
"It's because old Castiel doesn't like us. I think he thinks he's above us or something but  _we're_  not the ones that have been here for centuries." Ruby lightly smacked Meg's arm at that, but offense had already been taken.   
  
Dean stood up with his tray, not saying a word. He threw away his food and headed out of the caf.  
  
"Dean, wait." Dean stopped and turned around as Ruby caught up to him. "Meg didn't mean to make you mad." Ruby was the kind of girl who would crumble into a million pieces if you were upset with her.  
  
"Meg was born without a filter, I get it. But have you guys ever even tried to get to know him?" Dean didn't care how accusatory his tone was.  
  
"I...Dean... you've been here long enough I guess... so you can tell. He's the one that doesn't talk. They make him talk in group therapy but even then it's like... he's a walking enigma. How do you get to know someone that doesn't want you to?" Ruby moved her head around a lot when she talked, her dark hair bouncing lightly. "He's not even that nice, Dean. And when you do get something out of him, you wish you hadn't."  
  
"That's not true." Dean pointed a finger at Ruby, which made her flinch. "I've been living in the same room as the guy for over a month. I spend a lot of time with him, I've seen him smile, and even laugh... once." He licked his lips, ready to continue but Ruby surprisingly cut him off. "He even said having you around lately has been suffocating." Ruby looked like she regretted the words immediately after she said them.  
  
"What? Cas wouldn't say that. I've been a friend to him."  _Cas wouldn't say that. He wouldn't say that._  "Maybe you didn't make the effort, and that's all and good. We shouldn't be here to make friends. I shouldn't be here at all." Dean walked away, not even sure where his words were coming from. He felt something uncomfortable and hot come alive in his chest, burning his heart. He tried to take deep breaths as he walked back to his room, but it wasn't working. He couldn't seem to breathe enough. He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his skin dampen.   
  
"Dean."   
  
Dean turned around, his heart pounding, sweat forming on his forehead. "Cas. The hell did you come from?"  
  
"You... don't look well." Cas squinted at Dean slightly, concern barely audible in his monotone voice.   
  
"Yeah, I... I don't know. I was talking to Ruby and then I just... snapped." He sighed, wanting to hit himself, or someone, or something. "Man I hate that word."  
  
"Come outside. You look like you're having a panic attack. Fresh air tends to help." Cas made a small gesture for Dean to follow.  
  
"I'm not having a  _panic attack_ , I don't get those. I'm just pissed off or something." Dean himself didn't even look convinced, but he wouldn't admit it.  
  
"Right." Cas had that barely there smile and right then Dean knew he'd be following him outside anyway.  
  
\------------------------------  
  
"Feeling better?" Cas asked, even though his questions never actually sounded like questions. He sat next to Dean on one of the benches, sitting up straight and tall while Dean was hunched over, his head hanging down.  
  
"I guess." Dean sat up straight and turned his head to Cas. "It wasn't a panic attack." He looked forward, knowing that if Cas looked at him for too long he'd start doubting himself or questioning his existence. Those too blue eyes seemed to have that effect on Dean.  
  
"Okay." Cas answered before quickly adding: "What did Ruby say to get you so...  _pissed off_?"   
  
Dean looked up, somewhere, anywhere but at Cas. "Uh, I don't remember. It's all kind of a blur now."  
  
"You're lying." Cas' seemed  _amused_  by this.  
  
Dean turned to Cas, a scowl painting his normally attractive features. "Yeah, so what. You didn't write the book on honesty."  
  
Cas tensed up at that. It was refreshing, getting a physical reaction out of the usually stoic man. "I've had enough air." Dean stood angrily and walked back inside, leaving Cas to sit alone.  
  
\------------------------------  
  
 _What the hell? If Cas has a problem with me being around, why does he hang out with me so much?_  Dean kicked his bed, before sitting down. It didn't make sense for Cas to say he was "suffocating." But why would Ruby lie about it? Meg was the pathological liar. Ruby on the other hand, hated conflict and walked on eggshells around everyone. She wouldn't lie.  
  
 _Suffocating._  Why did this upset Dean so much? He wasn't supposed to make friends with these people to begin with. Being here was about avoiding jail. Surviving a torturous year and maybe coming out of it unscathed.   
  
"Fuck you too, Cas." Dean mumbled and leaned back to lie down on his bed. Only seconds later he sat back up quickly when a light bulb went off in his head. The journal. Maybe Cas wrote something about Dean. He stood up and walked over to where Cas kept it. It was either under his pillow, or in his top drawer.  
  
 _Wrong, Winchester. So wrong._  But something made Dean unable to stop. He needed to know if Cas really disliked him. Why it was so important to him, he didn't know. But he wasn't about to stay friends with someone and give a shit about someone if they didn't even really want them around. It was tough for Dean to convince himself that that was the only reason he wanted to look through the journal, but he managed to do it by the time he lifted Cas' pillow.  
  
There it was.  
  
Dean looked behind him, making sure the door was shut. He convinced himself the door handle turning would be enough warning if Cas was returning to their room anytime soon.  
  
Somewhat guiltily, Dean began flipping through the pages.  
  
They were poems.   
  
He wasn't exactly a huge fan of poetry, so he kept skimming through and looked out for any mention of his name.   
  
Nothing.  
  
Dean got to the last page, where his name was left unwritten. He was about to close the journal, when he spotted the last line of the final poem.  
  
 _I can only call it suffocating_  
  
Dean started from the beginning.  
  
 _I think I'm falling for green eyes_  
  
Eyes that live inside my mind  
  
I listen to them fall asleep  
  
while my breath is bating  
  
I can only call it suffocating  
  
Dean reread it several times. There was no mistaking it. It was about Dean.  
  
Turns out, when all the blood rushes to your head, it makes everything hard to hear, other than the pounding of your own heartbeat. Which is exactly why Dean didn't hear the door open. He only heard the unmistakably deep growl of a voice that could only come from Castiel.   
  
" _What are you doing?_ "


	4. Chapter 4

" _What are you doing?_ "  
  
Dean spun around so fast he heard multiple popping sounds come from his neck. He didn't feel any pain, though. He didn't feel anything.   
  
Except dread. Cold, terrible, dread.  
  
Dean met Cas' eyes, which were scarily impossible to read. Dean had expected to see rage, fury. Insane amounts of anger.  _Something._ He looked down at the journal in his hands, throwing it back on Cas' bed in one quick movement, like it had burned him. Shocked him. Technically, it had.  
  
Dean mustered the courage to turn to Cas again.  
  
"Cas..." Dean struggled to find an excuse. It was hopeless. He couldn't talk his way out of this. Even if he could, he didn't have the time to come up with an elaborate story or lie when Cas was standing feet in front of him, eyes scrutinizing, posture cold.   
  
"Dean?" Cas' gaze was fixed on Dean, searching his face for something, anything. How much had he seen? Why was he looking? When Dean still failed to respond, Cas stepped closer. "Why, Dean?" Cas stared at his journal, then to Dean.  
  
It was hot. Everything was foggy. "I need to get out of here." Dean practically sprinted out of the room without acknowledging Cas any further. The burning in his heart had returned, and he needed to breathe again.  
  
Cas stayed still, frozen, unable to process any of it. Dean had just left him there, without any explanation, without anything. It was an invasion of privacy, it was a betrayal. His personal thoughts, the only things that were just for Cas to know. His. "I thought... I could trust you." Castiel spoke aloud, to no one.  
  
He found himself able to move his feet minutes later and stood over his bed, peering down at the cause. He picked up his journal, reading the page it was opened to.  
  
The page Dean had read.  
  
Outside in the courtyard, Dean struggled to come up with the perfect apology. Out in the quiet, brisk air, he was unable to hear Castiel scream.  
  
\-----------------------------------  
  
"Dean!" Charlie called out from the door to the yard. Dean had no idea how long he'd been sitting there, staring at nothing.  
  
"Recreational therapy. We're watching a movie." Charlie spoke as she approached Dean, joining him on the bench. "Come on." She tugged on his sleeve gently and motioned with her head for Dean to get up and going.  
  
"Dean? Hello?" She jokingly waved a hand in front of Dean's face and snapped her fingers twice.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. I hear you. I'm comin'." Dean shot Charlie a quick glance to acknowledge her, then faced forward again only to look back at her when he realized she wasn't leaving. "Alright, Alright." He stood up with her, ignoring her obnoxiously bright (though incredibly cute) smile.  
  
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't terrified of facing Cas.  _What the hell am I gonna do?_  
  
\-----------------------------------  
  
Dean sat squished between Chuck and Charlie on the couch. Meg and Ruby were sitting side by side on the floor, of course. They were 20 minutes into whatever the movie was called, Dean hadn't paid attention. He still wasn't. He found himself looking over his shoulder every minute or so, waiting for Cas to emerge from the hall. Despite him being a major loner, he still (usually) joined everyone for tv or movies.  
  
"Dude what's wrong with you? You keep fidgeting. You wiggin' out or something?" Chuck spoke under his breath, trying to meet Dean's eyes. "You look crazier than usual."  
  
"Yeah, that's hilarious Chuck, thanks." Dean couldn't stop himself from glancing behind yet again. "I'm just...wondering where Cas is, that's all."  
  
"You didn't hear? I thought you of all people would know." Charlie mumbled in between chewing her popcorn. She turned her head to look at Dean with concern in her eyes.  
  
"Know what? What are you talking about?" Dean started to burn again.  
  
"He... well, they had to sedate him." Charlie spoke softly enough in Dean's ear so that only he could hear, even though plenty of the other patients were plenty aware of what happened.  
  
 _Sedated?_  Dean refused to meet Charlie's eyes, letting her words sink in.  _Sedated._  Dean had been there long enough to know that people are only sedated when they're seriously freaking out.  _Cas_  must have been seriously freaking out.  
  
 _Because of me._  
  
\-----------------------------------  
  
"Dean? Where are you going?" Charlie struggled to keep up with Dean's long strides. "I might be short compared to you but I can still keep up."   
  
Dean ignored her, instead focusing solely on not freaking the fuck out. Why was he freaking out?  _I'm not this person, I'm not this crazy person._  
  
He passed the doors to the small gymnasium and without hesitation opened them. He just needed to get away from Charlie, away from all the noise. He rudely didn't pay attention to whether or not he held the door open long enough for Charlie, who he  _knew_ was still following him.  
  
"Where are you even going? You know we can't be in here right now. Dean! You're gonna get in trouble. I'm gonna get  _myself_  in trouble for following you. If they dock enough points they'll keep you longer, Dean. HEY!" Charlie finally caught up to him and gripped his arm hard enough to hurt, causing Dean to spin around to face her. Charlie lost her words when she saw the look on Dean's face. "Dean, what is it?" She took in his distressed expression and how hard he was breathing. "What's wrong? Is it Cas?"  
  
Dean gripped the back of his head with boths hands, turning away from her. He couldn't come up with words, the right words. He couldn't, everything was moving fast in his brain, his tongue was tripping on itself every time he opened his mouth, nothing was making sense,  _nothing is making sense._  
  
"No! It's not fucking  _Cas_!" Dean shouted loud enough to make Charlie flinch. "It's this fucking place, Charlie! Everyone is fucking crazy, everyone is crazy! I've only been more fucked up since I got here." Dean didn't want to yell, god, he really didn't want to yell, but he couldn't control his voice. "These meds... this therapy, this... you, all of you, all of this. I hate you! This!" He made a wild gesture with his hands before bringing them to his face. "Cas." He felt his voice come down to a whisper and his breathing began to slow as he stared Charlie down, waiting for her to say something, be angry with him. Hell, he wanted her to be angry with him. He deserved no better.  
  
It turns out, seconds turn into hours when Charlie Bradbury is staring up at you.  
  
"I'd walk away from you and leave you here alone for what you said. I mean, maybe I should. But you're crying, and I don't want you to be sad."  
  
Dean looked at her and blinked with confusion, but when he felt multiple tears fall he understood. He didn't know when the hell he started crying, but he was starting to feel like the world's biggest dick.  
  
"Shit, Charlie, I'm s... I don't know, I'm not, I don't do this." He roughly wiped the remaining tears from his face, trying to find a way to say what he needed to say. What did he even need to say?  
  
"You say that a lot, you know. You always say what you aren't, and what you don't do. You don't do meds, you don't do therapy, you're not like me, or the rest of us, you're not crazy. Maybe you should start figuring out what you are, and what you  _do_...do." Charlie shrugged, managing to give Dean a smile.  
  
"What I do is sneak around behind people's backs." He shook his head, held his tongue to stop the words from coming out. He wasn't ready for this, this opening up, he wasn't ready for feelings. "What's wrong with me, Charlie?"  
  
Charlie smiled and hit Dean playfully in the arm. He was about to ask her what the hell that she did that for but she spoke first. "At least you can admit to  _someone_  that something is wrong. That's the first step to fixing it."   
  
"Thanks, Crowley." Dean scoffed but gave her a small smile.   
  
"Don't make me hit you again." Charlie pointed a finger at him then laughed. "Alright you lame-o, we need to get out of here before we get busted." She held out a hand to lead Dean out of the gym, but he pulled her to stop.  
  
"It's my fault, Charlie." His voice was broken down to barely above a whisper. "It's my fault Cas freaked out, it's my fault they did that to him." He was too disgusted with himself to say more.  
  
Charlie looked at him with complete understanding. She didn't need anymore details to know it wasn't  _really_ Dean's fault. "You can't control Cas, Dean. You can't make him better, and you can't predict how he'll react to what you do. You can't do that for any of us. I guess that's why we're such fragile, broken people."  
  
Dean bit his lip, fighting back his emotions, storing them for another time. "Yeah, we are."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is pretty short, but I reallllllly struggled with it. I promise Dean and Castiel will interact A LOT next chapter! But let me stress now that Charlie's character is pretty crucial in this story and well... let's just say she won't be in the story forever, so I'm getting her in now. Thanks everyone for all the love!!!


	5. Author's Note

Hi guys, I know I don't have a ton of followers or anything, but there are a good handful of you who have been so great and kind to me and I wanted to apologize for my lack of updating!

Ironically enough, I just got home from an 8 day stay at a mental facility.

BUT, I'm back, a little more stabilized, and I'm gonna have a new chapter up for you all by tomorrow night, and I should update much more regularly from now on. MUCH LOVE!


	6. Chapter 5

"Safety check!" Ellen had opened the door just wide enough to get the words out to Dean and Castiel before shutting it again. It  _still_ hadn't occured to Dean why lights out had to be so damn early. The past few nights had been considerably uncomfortable in their room. Cas wasn't talking to Dean. Well, technically he was, but it wasn't real. Yes, no, grunt, sigh, nod. Cas' form of communication these days.  
  
How could Dean make it better, anyway? It's bad enough he invaded Cas' privacy but they had to sedate him and keep him isolated for hours. Dean still shuddered to think about how bad the freakout must have been. Gentle, calm, quiet Cas, having to be put down like that?  
  
"Hey, Cas? You awake?" Silence.  
  
Apologizing was hard enough. Maybe it'd be easier in the dark. No judging looks from Cas. No deep, ocean blue stares.  
  
"Cas." Nothing.  
  
 _Third times the charm._  "Cas, come on, I know you're awake."  
  
Cas sighed, turning over on his back. "What is it, Dean?"  
  
Dean's stomach turned. What comes next?  
  
"I'm..." Dean let out a huge breath, not knowing where to begin with his apology.  
  
"Did it hurt? Did they hurt you? I mean... I've never... I didn't know that actually happened... that they actually do shit like that." _Of course they do, you friggin moron. You're in a nut hut._  
  
"Dean..."  
  
"No, Cas." Dean sat up in his bed, looking over to Cas in the dark. There was enough light coming in through the windows so he could make out most of his face. He wasn't happy. His eyebrows were knitted together, his mouth drawn in a tight line. "Cas..."  
  
"What is it you want, Dean?" Cas sat up as well, facing Dean. "You... you must feel very full of yourself, I bet."  
  
"Cas, no... I. I don't know what I was thinking. I just wanted to make sure that you didn't... I wasn't going to read everything I just wanted to see if- Ah, fuck." He fell back down against his pillow (although you can barely call those pathetic things  _pillows_ ). What was he supposed to say?  _Yeah, Cas. I read your journal because Ruby gave me the impression that you couldn't stand me and since I'm so pathetically obsessed with my roommate at a mental hospital I had to see if it was true or not._  
  
Cas observed Dean the best he could in the dark room. "See if what, Dean?"  
  
"Lights out means lights out, you two. Get some sleep." Ellen reappeared in the blink of an eye and disappeared just as quickly, quietly shutting the door.  
  
"Nevermind, Cas."  
  
\------------------------------------------  
  
"So, Dean. You've been on-"  
  
"Lomital, whatever, bullshit, yeah. I'm still taking it." Dean leaned back lazily in his chair, wishing the time would pass faster.  
  
Crowley smirked, and if Dean heard correctly, there was a small chuckle in there.  _Bastard._  
  
"Lamictal." Crowley wrote down a few notes in Dean's chart before meeting Dean's scrutinizing gaze. "Any changes in your mood?"  
  
"Well Doc, to be perfectly honest with you, I feel worse than ever. Everyone is pissing me off, I'm doing stupid shit, I..."  
  
Crowley raised a brow, waiting for Dean to finish. "You...? What?"  
  
"Forget it. I'm done talking, can I go now?" Dean sat up, regardless of whether or not he already knew Crowley wasn't going to just let him walk away.  
  
"I'm afraid not, Dean. You've been on Lamictal for two weeks now, and if your symptoms are getting worse, we should look at a different medication. Let's look at putting you on-"  
  
"What, so I'm just going to be some friggin guinea pig? Sorry  _Crowley_ , I don't think so."  
  
"You're shouting. Do you realize this, Dean? You can't have a reasonable conversation with anyone, can you?"  
  
Dean's fists clenched tight in his lap, his knuckles turning white.  
  
"Let me ask you this: Do you want to leave the hospital?" Crowley leaned forward in his chair, the leather seat making an irritating crunching sound.  
  
Dean scoffed. "Let me ask you this: Are you the one that's mental? Of course I want to get out of here. I didn't check myself in for kicks. I didn't even check myself in! It was this or fucking jail!"  
  
"It was because of your record and your previous medical history that you wound up here. And unless you cooperate, you could be stuck here even longer than your sentence. And if you  _do_  cooperate, you may be able to leave sooner. We need to stabilize you, Mr. Winchester. Surely you can understand that much, am I right?"  
  
Dean remained silent, biting the inside of his mouth.  
  
"Right." Crowley continued to write. "I'm writing you up to take Seroquel. Another mood stabilizer. We'll see how you're doing on it the next time I check in with you."  
  
Dean stared at him, his eyes burning. "Can I go now?"  
  
"You may." Crowley watched as Dean practically sprinted out of his office.  
  
\------------------------------------------  
  
Dean slammed the door to this room and leaned his forehead against it. He was breathing heavily and his eyes were wet. He hated it. "Why does this keep happening? Every time?" He muttered softly, quietly under his breath. His fists were pressed tightly against the door, his chest heaving.   
  
"Dean."   
  
Dean turned around to see Cas sitting at their shared desk, that stupid journal in front of him. He looked at Dean with concern and pain in his eyes. "Dean, what..."  
  
"Don't talk to me, Cas. Please, just don't..." He slid down against the door until he was on the floor, his legs spread out in front of him.   
  
"Oh? 'Don't talk to me, Cas?' That's what I get from you, Dean?" Cas stood from the desk, but didn't make another move. "You suck, Winchester."  
  
Dean sat there staring at Cas, dumbfounded at what he'd just said.   
  
"Now would you please move, I'd like to go sit in the day room for a while and quite frankly I don't want to be around you."  
  
Dean stood up, meeting Cas almost at eye level, if he didn't have a few inches on him. "No."  
  
"Excuse me?" Cas titled his head and stepped even closer.  
  
"I'm not moving. Not until you pull it out of your ass and treat me like a human being again. Yeah, I made a mistake Cas, but you know what, so did you."  
  
"And what did I ever do to you, Dean?" Cas was smaller than Dean, but apparently he knew how to be intimidating. And the way he was looking at Dean...  
  
"You wrote about me!" Dean watched Cas' angry expression shrink to something unreadable. "You... why would you do that? You're so much better than me, Cas. You're better than me. I'm fucking crazy! Look at me! Look at me! Everyone looks at me like I'm crazy!" Dean struggled not to choke on his own breath, his vision of Cas becoming blurrier and blurrier. "Why can't you see that? Why don't you write about that? About how crazy I am? Crowley does! The nurses, they do it too!" He was trapped between Cas and the door, unable to disappear. "Why is it about my eyes? Why isn't it about how fucked up I am?"  
  
Before Dean knew it, arms were pulling him in, wrapping around him. Cas was  _hugging_ him. He deserved a punch to the face, a kick in the stomach. Not this.  _Not this._ "Cas..." Dean tried to pull away, but it didn't work. Cas gripped him tight, and Dean let him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be a longer chapter, (this is only half of what was originally planned!) But I'm saving the next half for chapter 6. The pacing just seems much better. thanks for reviewing, following and favoriting, and especially a big thanks to those of you who showed concern for me and showed me some love. i love you guys!


	7. Chapter 6

It had been a considerably awkward few weeks after Dean and Cas' reconciliation (if you could call it that).  _Take what you can get_ , Dean would tell himself over and over. All things considered, it could have been worse. Cas no longer avoided Dean's gaze in passing, instead he'd meet Dean's green with blue and sometimes he'd even smile. Barely.

They even spoke sometimes, hushed whispers after lights out. Dean would ask Cas about his family, which Cas ultimately dismissed. Cas would ask Dean about  _his_  family, ending in the same result. But they were friends again, regardless of how much remained unsaid. Too much was left unsaid. Still, there was something deeper there. Something profound.

* * *

"Dean?" Ellen knocked once before opening the door to Dean's room. Dean sat up, setting down the magazine he'd been reading. (He'd already read it a million times over, but he refused to contact his father or god forbid, Sam, to send or bring him something that required a functioning brain to read).

"Dean honey, you have a visitor." Ellen motioned towards the hall. Visitation was every other night for about an hour, and during that time Dean was always held up in his room. Cas never hid with him, which always made Dean wonder who Cas was visiting. But finding out would mean leaving their room and practically spying on him which was just...creepy, right?

Dean walked hesitantly out of the room, his stomach forming tiny knots.  _Please, don't let it be Sam._

"Dean!" Charlie popped up out of nowhere. "Dean, I think that guy over there is waiting for you. He's  _cute_. Who is he?" The knots in Dean's stomach grew as he turned to where Charlie was pointing. "Oh, shit."

"What? What's wrong?" Charlie quickly glanced from mystery boy to Dean a few times.

"It's... He's my brother."

* * *

"Do you know how many times I've called?" Sam and Dean sat next to each other, but neither would look at the other.

"I could take a wild guess." Dean leaned back and observed the other visitors. There was a girl holding Chuck's hand in the chairs opposite him.

"No more jokes, Dean. Look at me. Dean!" Sam raised his voice enough to let Dean know he meant business but not loud enough to draw attention to them.

"What do you want me to say, Sam?" Dean sighed, still not looking at his younger brother. "I let you down. I lost my cool that night and wound up here. Now you're stuck with Dad. Oh, and the latest news? I'm batshit crazy."

"You're not...crazy, Dean. I get it. I-"

"You don't Sam, you really don't." Dean's voice started to crack and his eyes watered. "Just go back to your apple pie life with Jess and I'll... see you when I get out of here." Dean stood from his chair and ignored Sam's calls for him to come back as he retreated back to his room.

* * *

Dean didn't expect another visit after that, and he'd expected correctly. Time was slow. The routine was wearing him down more and more. He'd been on two... maybe three different medications since he'd been hospitalized. And for what?

Cas was distant. They'd play a few games of cards here and there, do puzzles. But Cas was harboring secrets, and so was Dean. Even Charlie, the one bright spot in a castle of darkness, seemed to be fading away. Her smile's weren't as wide. Her eyes not as bright.

Ruby and Meg were, well, Ruby and Meg.

But it was never too long before things got interesting again. It started on a Tuesday, when Dean woke up to the sound of Meg screaming down the hall.

"GET OFF ME! NO!" Three nurses had Meg cornered, two of them holding an arm. "Where did you take her? Where did you take her?"

Charlie was standing a few feet away, her hands over her mouth, her eyes full of tears. "Meg, don't!"

Meg was kicking and screaming, shrill, in Dean's ears as he approached. "What's going on? What's happening?" He asked no one in particular. Cas appeared next to Dean to see what the noise was, but with a forlorn glance, he disappeared just as quickly.

Charlie put her hands over her ears. "I can't I can't I can't." She rushed to Dean's side and pulled him down the opposite hall, as far away as they could get from the noise.

"Woah woah woah, Charlie, what the hell? What happened?" Charlie took a deep breath and let out a painful sigh as they both heard the screaming subside. "They sedated her."

"But took who where? Wh...where's Ruby?" Dean was putting the pieces together in his head.

"They transferred Ruby to a different facility. I don't know why, they can't say why, or where. And they didn't say when, either. Meg woke up and Ruby was gone."

Dean nodded, swallowing. "Is.. is Meg gonna be okay?"

"You don't understand, Dean. Ruby was Meg's only friend for a while in here. And then...well, you know the rest. She loves Ruby, Dean. I don't know how she's going to manage without her. I don't know if she can. Imagine if Cas left."

Dean felt himself physically shrink at the thought and he didn't know why. He still barely knew Cas. For all he knew, Cas still secretly hated him. But Cas was there, next to him, every night. He shook his head slightly. "But that's different, Cas and I aren't... It's not like... Meg and Ruby were..." He watched Charlie raise her eyebrows and practically growled in frustration. "Shut up."

* * *

The next morning, Dean found a note under his door:

 _Mission Cheer Up Meg is a go!_   _Meet me in front of the music room after vitals._

_BRING CAS!_

_\- Charlie_

"Hey, Cas." Dean glanced over to Cas, who was still waking up. "Do me a favor and just...follow me?"

Cas look at Dean with suspicion, but followed nonetheless.

* * *

"Dean! Cas! Yay! You're both here!" Charlie approached the pair, who were leaning against the door to the music room. "We're going to get in trouble for this, just so you know." She pulled a bobby pin from  _somewhere_  and started unlocking the door.

"Where did you get that and how did you learn how to do that?" Dean smiled, pleased that Charlie seemed more like  _Charlie_.

"I snuck it out of Naomi the bitch nurse's... I mean, head nurse's... Anyway, I snuck it out of Naomi's hair, and duh, it's not rocket science." The door swung open and in perfect timing, Meg appeared. There were bags under her eyes and her hair was even more disheveled than normal. "I'm guessing there's a reason you left me this?" Meg held out a small piece of paper, the size of the note Charlie left Dean.

"Yes. We don't get enough music in here, so we're gonna cheer you up with some." She grabbed Meg's arm and walked into the music room, where Dean and Cas followed, questioning looks on both of their faces.

"Let's see what they have..." Charlie started rummaging through old CDs and cassette tapes.  _Cassette tapes._ "Ha! This should do the trick." She put the tape into the player and turned the volume up. "Come here, Meg!" She held Meg's wrists and started bouncing with her and spinning her in circles.

"'Walking On Sunshine'? Really?" Dean looked to Cas and they both shook their heads. It wasn't until they both saw the small smile forming on Meg's face that they realized that Charlie knew what she was doing after all.

"Come on you bitches! Don't just stand there!" Charlie let go of Meg, who continued to spin around and wave her arms around. Cas was Charlie's next victim. "Woa-oh! I'm walking on suuuunshiiiine!" She gestured for Cas to continue singing but it came out only as a small "Wahhh..."

Charlie looked at Cas pitifully. "Dean? Can we show this nerd how it's done?"

Dean shrugged. "Why the hell not." He and Charlie began to dance together, not well, but full of energy. Before he knew it Meg had grabbed Cas' hand and pulled him into her. He awkwardly swayed to the upbeat music and suddenly, he was laughing with the rest of them.

"Hey! I wanna dance with Meg again!" Charlie shoved Cas playfully towards Dean, winking at Dean in the process. Cas tripped over his feet and suddenly he and Dean were very, very, close. Dean gulped. "I...sorry..." Their noses were inches apart and neither of them could feel the other's breath. Still, neither of them made a move to separate a little further. It was then that Cas smiled at Dean, and it was beautiful, full of teeth, and it made his eyes shine deeper and brighter at the same time.

"What is going on in here?!" Naomi marched over and stopped the music player.

"Music therapy?" Charlie supplied with an innocent smile.

"You're all getting written up for this. Back to your rooms. Now." Naomi held the door open and watched them exit. Dean couldn't manage to be angry that he could have just jeopardized the amount of time he'd be stuck in the hospital. He couldn't be mad. Not with Meg's giggling as they walked to their rooms, or the way Cas had smiled at Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the love as usual guys! comments make me dance like a happy charlie!


	8. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: SUICIDE.

Slow. Time was going by so slow that Dean was positive it was only making him even "crazier". People came, people went. Meg had settled in with her new roommate, Becky, who instantly started crushing on Chuck. And little did the nurses know, Meg was using her phone calls to talk to Ruby.  
  
The bright spot of it all, is that Cas talked to Dean more often. But when Dean looked at Cas when they talked, there was a tension hidden deep behind those blue eyes. Dean couldn't tell if it made him uncomfortable or... or something else entirely. Of course it didn't help that Dean couldn't stop reciting the words Cas wrote about him in his head.  
  
Then there was Charlie. Who, in Dean's eyes, had started becoming a ghostly version of the fiery redhead he met a few months ago. It all started after he witnessed Charlie's last visit with her mom. It ended in shouting. Since then, Charlie spoke less. She stopped drawing. But she was still there, and Dean didn't pay too much attention. Looking back on it, not enough attention.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Yeah, fuck you too." Dean muttered under his breath as he left Crowley's office. That stupid doctor was upping his dose.  _"I don't see you progressing much, Mr. Winchester."_ That's what he'd said. _Yeah, and how the hell would he know?_  He only saw Dean once a day. But Dean had learned by now you were always watched by those stupid nurses, writing shit down on their flimsy little clipboards.  
  
"Dean!" Charlie's voice chirped from behind him, approaching him quickly. "Dean, I was wondering if I could ta-"  
  
"Charlie, I'm not in the mood, okay?" Dean half turned to Charlie and kept walking, not able to see the broken look on Charlie's face.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Bad meeting with Crowley, I take it." Cas observed as he sat on his bed, a book in his lap. He didn't even face Dean when he spoke, apparently the book was more interesting.  
  
"What gave it away?" Dean lay on his bed, facing the ceiling.  
  
"The exaggerated sighing. The way you've been snapping at people all day." Cas passed one small glance to Dean but Dean didn't even catch it.  
  
"How would you know? You've been in here all morning. Weren't in any of the groups, nothing."  
  
"I can still hear things, Dean."  
  
"Oh?" Dean scoffed. "You've got it all figured out, then."  
  
Cas shut his book closed, the noise loud enough to give Dean a start before storming up, about to leave the room.  
  
"Shit." Dean sighed. "Cas, hold on a second. Cas!"  
  
Cas stopped to face Dean. "What?"  
  
Dean stood, approaching Cas close, almost too close, because Cas flinched back ever so slightly.  
  
"I can't stand feeling like you're against me too. Fuck, shit, I don't do this feeling crap, alright? Just stop being mad at me."  
  
Cas cringed at the words. "I'm not...mad at you, Dean. Well, not anymore. I'm-" His breath caught, bravery escaping him.  _Topic change... now._  "Not everyone is against you."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Dean forced a smile. "My family thinks I'm nuts, and so does everyone else. I don't really have  _actual_  friends here...except you." Dean rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed at how girly that sounded.  
  
"How can you say that?" Cas looked at Dean with disappointment. "How can you... how  _could_  you... just...dismiss her like that?"  
  
And with that, Cas walked out of the room.  
  
 _Her?_  
  
Oh.  
  
 _Shit._  
  
Charlie.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Where's Charlie?" Dean asked Chuck and Meg at the same time as he stuffed his face with a mouthful of salad.  
  
"Haven't seen her since this afternoon." Meg poked at her plate aimlessly.  
  
"She's been acting really weird. I mean, weird for Charlie. Not weird. Just not Charlie." Chuck spoke so fast Dean barely caught it, but he knew exactly what Chuck had meant.  
  
"I gotta find her."  _I've been so stupid._  "Now."  
  
"Don't worry, I've got the perfect distraction." As soon as she spoke Meg started fake choking, Chuck putting on a mask of fake horror. "Nurses! I think the carrots are bad!"  
  
While the nurses rushed to Meg's assistance, Dean ran out of the cafeteria to see if Charlie was in her room.  
  
What he found when he reached her hall was the last thing he wanted to see.

"...Charlie." Dean managed to choke her name out.

Charlie was slumped against her closed door, her legs sprawled out in front of her. He arms were limp against her sides, her eyes half open. "Everyone's at dinner, cept fer Cas, he's so silly. No one knew, no one could have known that I..."

Dean rushed down to crouch next to her, forcing her to sit up more. "Charlie, what's the matter? What did..."

"I've been hiding them." Charlie opened her mouth wide and flicked her tongue up and down. "For weeks. Took enough to..."

Dean looked around frantically. "Someone help! Nurse! Someone!"

"Hey, hey, look at me Charlie. You're gonna be just fine. I'm gonna... we're gonna fix this. I can hear them coming, they'll just pump your stomach and-"

"Shh. Hey, Dean. Look at me." Charlie managed to bring her hand up to touch the side of Dean's face. "Everything will be okay for me now. Everything will be okay for you too, Dean. I know it." Tears spilled over Dean's eyes and onto her hand.

She went limp in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off... The realism is a smidge off in this chapter, judging by my own stay in a mental facility, you couldn't really be on your own for more than fifteen minutes, so the fact that Charlie managed to stay behind and take her pills long enough to OD irks me but for the story's sake, I'm putting realism aside a bit. Plus, I know every mental hospital is different, some are pretty shitty on keeping up with their patients.
> 
> And secondly... I am so sorry.
> 
> (Thirdly...this chapter is very short, but the next one will be posted MUCH sooner.)


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of suicide.

_"Charlie! Charlie! CHARLIE!"_  
  
"Dean, let her go!"  
  
"Dean, you need to get out of the way, damnit, someone, get the sedative."  
  
"Dean!"  
  
"Dean." Crowley snapped his fingers, shaking Dean from his daydream. "Are you listening to me?"  
  
Dean looked at Crowley with dead eyes. "Yes."  
  
Crowley leaned forward in his leather chair. "These things unfortunately do happen. We make mistakes here, underestimate our patients sometimes. Security should have been tighter. I am, for what it's worth, terribly sorry you had to witness it." He fumbled through Dean's papers, not taking his eyes off Dean. "I think you've been interrogated enough. Go get some rest. It would be completely understandable if you decided to skip out on group for a few days, but we will be covering grief so it might be...beneficial."  
  
A long, somewhat awkward pause on Crowley's end caused him to notice Dean wasn't moving or racing towards the door like he usually was after their sessions. "Dean, you may leave now, unless there is something you wish to discuss."  
  
Dean didn't say anything, just stood from his chair and left the room, shutting the door quietly, for the first time, not slamming it.  
  


* * *

  
  
Eyes were on Dean. Everywhere. The nurses looked at Dean like he'd be next. The other patients looked at him with pity, some with anger. Like he could have stopped Charlie. Saved her. Which to Dean, wasn't wrong.  
  
"Dean." Dean held back a sob when the voice calling him wasn't Charlie's, but Meg's.  
  
"What is it, Meg?"  
  
"You look like shit." Meg observed how lifeless Dean looked. She wondered briefly if Charlie looked similar and her heart broke. "Sorry... I, I was just wondering if... if you knew she was going to do it. Sometimes-"  
  
Dean was instantly in Meg's face, fuming with rage. "You think if I knew I wouldn't have done something? She was your friend too, wasn't she?!  _You_  could have done something! You did nothing!" He was screaming at her now, the nurses immediately racing to his side, pulling him back. Meg covered her mouth and walked away as Dean was injected, then escorted to the quiet room.  
  


* * *

  
  
Hours later, Dean woke up. The nurses decided he was safe to go out, so he went back to his room, hoping that Cas wasn't there. He didn't want to hear it. That it was his fault. Not from Cas.  _Please, not from Cas._  
  
When he got to his room, Cas was where he usually was. Why Dean had hoped or expected differently, he had no clue. Perched on his bed. Journal in front of him. He met Dean's lost eyes, though the water in his own eyes made it hard to see the green.  
  
"I can't write. I thought I could, that it would help, but I can't." Cas gestured at his journal. He practically howled as he picked it up and threw it hard against the wall.  
  
"Why is there so much pain? Dean? Why?" Cas looked at Dean desperately.  
  
"What, Cas? What are you asking? Are you talking about her pain? Charlie? You think I knew she was going to do it too? You think it was my fault too?" He stepped closer to Cas' bed. "Go ahead. Say it. I  _dismissed_ her, remember Cas? This is all my fault. Go ahead and say it, I know you're thinking it." Cas fixed his gaze downward, holding back tears.  
  
"Come on!" Dean bit.  
  
"No." Cas found the bravery to look at Dean.  
  
"Why the hell not."  
  
"Because you're wrong, Dean." Cas stood up, entering Dean's personal space. "There's nothing you could have done to change her mind. Charlie needed a lot of pills to accomplish that. My guess is she's been hiding pills for much longer than either of us know. When I... When I've tried... no one, not even my brothers... nothing they said could have made me change my mind. This is no different." Cas felt the urge to touch Dean, his face, something.  
  
Dean's lips trembled. "You don't understand, Cas." His voice broke, so he tried clearing his throat. That's when the tears started falling. "She... she tried to talk to me and I just blew her off because I was in a bad mood. I'm always in a bad mood, Cas. Why?"  
  
Cas' hand held Dean's face. The same way Charlie had. Dean flinched, but didn't move away from the touch. "Cas... did I kill her?" Dean had started to cry, actually cry this time. No shouting, no deadpan expressions with hollow eyes. Charlie had been the only one to see him cry before. Cas pulled him in, wrapping his arms around Dean. "No. No. No. Dean, no, this wasn't-"  
  
"You look at me Cas." Dean pulled away to hold the sides of Cas' face tightly, forcing their eyes to meet in a way that was almost too intense for either of them to handle. "You don't ever try doing that again. Because whoever finds you... dying, or dead... whoever has to live without you, you just can't do that again Cas, please."  
  
Suddenly their foreheads touched, Cas holding the side of Dean's neck, stroking it. It was unexpected, the intimacy of the touch. There was no point in pulling away. Dean wanted to feel Cas closer, all the time. Charlie could see it. He knew Charlie could see it. She saw everything.

 _"Everything will be okay for you, too, Dean."_  
  
"Don't make me lose you, too." Dean whispered.  
  
"I won't." Cas managed to promise.

_"I know it."_


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys have earned this for being so patient and enduring what happened to Charlie.

Three weeks had passed since Charlie had been gone. Dean was  _oh_  so lucky to be seeing Crowley not once, but twice a day for the first two weeks. Eventually he had Crowley convinced that the majority of his "grieving process" was going well enough to limit their sessions to once a day again.  
  
Bullshit.  
  
He missed her every day, and sometimes he even convinced himself he heard her voice. He'd see a head of red hair and turn sharply enough to pull every muscle in his neck, but it would only turn out to be one of the nurses, or the new girl, Anna. But Anna was nothing like Charlie. Anna was like a ghost. Dean tried to stay away from her.  
  
Dean missed his old life. He missed his friends, he missed his brother. He missed not being a failure. But hell, when was he ever anything but? In his darkest places, he'd consider what would happen if he tried to kill himself. Not that he could really get away with it here. Since Charlie, they've decided to "crack down" more and the patients had even less privacy than they did to begin with.  
  
Watching the clock. It's all Dean knew how to do anymore. Cas had changed, too. He wasn't writing anymore. And if he was, Dean never saw it. That journal, the stupid journal that caused so much trouble between them, had disappeared. It scared Dean. But Cas had promised, and oddly enough, Cas was the only person Dean felt he could trust. Cas was the only one that was there. Then, of course, there was the breakdown that lead to said promise. Dean could barely remember it, he was in such a state of hysterics, but he remembered how close he had held Cas, how Cas had let him, and now Cas' thumb had traced comforting circles on Dean's neck. How he could hear Charlie's voice and her last words ringing in his ears.  
  


* * *

  
  
As usual, Cas wasn't in the cafeteria, so Dean was sitting with Meg at breakfast. Meg had changed a lot too. She had less bite, she was nicer to Dean. She was quieter. Dean liked it, but also hated it. He didn't want to be treated like he was in some fragile state. He wasn't an egg. He wasn't going to crack...  
  
"So how're things going with Cas?" Meg mumbled in between bites of toast.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Come on, slick. He's like... your little unicorn." Meg took a sip of milk and gave Dean a small small.  
  
"I'm sorry, my what?" Dean had stopped eating to pay full attention to Meg. The hell was she talking about?  
  
"Remember when Ruby was here? I always spent my time with her... she made me feel better. She was quiet, like your Cas." Meg sighed, her smile growing. Dean hadn't seen her actually  _smile_  since Ruby had left. "She was my unicorn in this dungeon of a place."  
  
Dean stared off, shaking his head. "Yeah, but no offense Meg, but that's pretty gay. I'm not..." He cut himself off when Meg started to giggle. "It's not about being gay, Dean, don't be so stupid." She took her tray and left Dean sitting alone.  
  


* * *

  
  
"So I won't change the dosage for now, but I would like to try some sedatives for a few nights, just to see if you can get some more rest. You aren't sleeping much, are you Dean?" Crowley went on as he scribbled away in his notes.  
  
"I guess I could be sleeping more." Dean  _was_  exhausted, but he'd gotten used to it at this point. Crowley looked at his watch. "So we're done here, then?"  
  
Crowley chuckled. "Yes, we are, but, Dean before you go..." He closed Dean's folder and leaned forward. "I want to see you progress more."   
  
Dean rolled his eyes.  _Now there's a fucking surprise_. "Yeah? Well tell me Doc, how do I do that? After everything?"  
  
"You know everyone in this world has some sort of problem, some have a great deal of problems. Some have so many that it weighs them down. Some of those people are in here. Most of them aren't. They're out there, in the real world. You want to know how they manage to get out there? In the real world, Dean?" Dean stayed silent. He preferred to just let Crowley lecture him rather than engage with the assbag. "They find a silver lining, Dean. Something that makes pushing forward worth it. Something that tells you, wake up today, and make it a real day. Do something. You have plenty of silver linings, Dean. They're just hard to see."  
  
Dean sat there, dumbfounded. Had Crowley just said something that made sense? "A silver lining..." He repeated. His thoughts were racing too fast and his face started getting hot. "Like a unicorn." He smiled at Crowley.   
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"You said we're done, right?" Dean sat up. "Thanks, Crowley." He nearly sprinted out the door leaving Crowley at a loss for words for the first time.  
  


* * *

  
  
Dean walked into his room and slammed the door shut, harder than he had planned. Cas was reading but the slam had startled him, so he put the book down and stood up to face Dean in what seemed like half a second. "Dean."  
  
Dean didn't give Cas the chance to ask what was wrong, because halfway through the question Dean raced towards him and crashed his lips onto Cas'. Cas tensed and froze, but soon opened up, his mouth letting Dean's have it's way. Dean slipped his tongue in, earning a small noise from Cas. This pulled Dean back into reality and he roughly pulled away. "Shit, Cas. I'm... fuck, I'm sorry, I-"  
  
"Dean." Cas looked at him, his hair disheveled, lips already plump. "Don't be so stupid." He closed this distance between them and kissed Dean back, and he kissed him  _hard._


	11. Another Author's Note

Hi all my lovelies! I wanted to apologize for my lack of updating... ugh, it's awful. I'm having a serious case of writer's block and I'm so focused on my own mental health issues that it makes it hard to concentrate. But I have a goal to get the next chapter up before the end of the month. I love you all and thank you for following my story.


	12. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> incredibly short chapter i know, but i wanted to get something down to inspire me to write more.

Time froze for the both of them. Castiel and Dean kissed for what to them felt like hours, though it was probably only a few minutes. Maybe even seconds. The only thing that separated their tugging hands, gasps and fighting tongues was the sound of footsteps coming down the hall. Their eyes opened and it was Cas that pulled away first, wide eyed. There was no knock on their door, like they expected. Dean leaned in again, but Cas took a step back.  
  
Dean looked at him, confused and then suddenly very,  _very_  anxious. "Cas? What's..." He sighed, reality sinking in. "Let me guess... that was a mistake?" His words were slightly bitter, but there was more pain in them than anything else.  
  
"Dean no, that's not it." He didn't look Dean in the eyes, but his words were sincere. "I am... afraid." He moved to sit at the edge of his bed, grateful Dean didn't follow to sit next to him. He knew if Dean were too close, he'd lose his words as well as his mind.  
  
"I'm gay, Dean. And I used to hate it. I hated myself for it." He looked down as if he were ashamed of the words. He wasn't. Not anymore, anyway. His family was. "I have no one, I have nothing. To... live for. If this is just some sort of... experiment." Cas lost where he was even going with this. "I tried so many times... I wasn't even good enough to kill myself properly. My family, they don't even want me back home. They want nothing to do with me."  
  
Cas' words were a mess, but Dean understood. He grew to understand Cas no matter what he was saying. Even when he was saying nothing. "Cas I don't... I'm sorry." Dean witnessed a tear fall from Cas' eyes, onto the hand resting on his lap. "There's me." Cas looked up to him, not sure what Dean meant.  
  
Dean approached him slowly, until he was sitting next to him. He wanted to touch him, but he didn't know how, or where to place his hand. Well, he  _knew_ , but it wasn't the right time.  _Obviously, you fucking perv._ Dean ignored his inner monologue and cleared his throat. "You said you have no one, well damn it Cas, you've got me." Cas looked to Dean briefly, but couldn't hold his gaze, afraid more tears would come.  
  
"Look I'll be honest, I don't know what I am. Hell, that's not something I think about. There's no way in hell I'll let you believe you're an experiment to me. I just go with whatever feels right. Nothing has ever felt more right than this." He scoffed at his own words. How ridiculous was that? He was in a fucking mental hospital, trapped. But he was trapped with Cas. That one piece of this whole shit storm felt right.  
  
Apparently Cas was reading his mind. "Making out with a suicidal homosexual in a mental hospital feels right?" Cas spoke as he faced Dean with a half smirk that Dean couldn't helped but lean in to kiss. He earned another small noise, familiar, like the surprised one he heard when he kissed Cas the first time.  
  
They ended up tangled up in each other on Castiel's bed. The firm, uncomfortable bed, identical to Dean's, and everyone else's. Dean chuckled into their kiss as he remembered how much he hated these beds, where now there was no other bed on earth he'd rather be lying on.


	13. Author's Note

Hey guys! So I know it's been forever since I've written anything in this story, but it's always in the back of my mind. I've been struggling with my own mental health for a long time now, but I'm feeling much better as of late. I'm in a play that is showing next week, so once the play is over I plan on writing and looking for a job. So please, keep a lookout for new chapters! I plan on getting this going again. Thanks so much for sticking around and being so patient for those of you who still follow this little story of mine. Love you all!


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